Chapter Four: Growing a Synagogue Part One: Welcoming - Programming

Perhaps, in the 1950's, we could say that almost all Jews were married, with children, and would be able to find all that they needed to do in the synagogue. I don't know if this was completely true then, but it certainly is not true today. One of the reasons that synagogue membership is falling off is because synagogues are not welcoming to every Jew anymore. Jews are a diverse people; perhaps we are more diverse today than in any other time in modern Jewish history.

Most synagogues today, however, are still looking for young families with small children. We live in a time where the number of families with children is decreasing. The number of children each family has is decreasing. We can no longer build our synagogue programming around a demographic that is no longer the central pillar of the Jewish community. There are many other groups we need to attract; some groups have been ignored so long we no longer even think about them. Some groups are so new we are only beginning to understand their needs and desires. Synagogues need to expand programming horizons to include those who may not fit the old stereotype profile of the two parent family that was more common half a century ago. .

In my mind, the most obvious group forgotten by synagogues is young singles. As I mentioned earlier, young people are marrying later, sometimes 15-20 years later than young people did 25 years ago. If we want to attract single Jews, then we have to have programming that will interest singles. Does every event have a “family price” but not a price for singles? It is hard for singles to attend events where there will only be couples. Not only is it uncomfortable to be one of only a few who are present who do not have a partner, but often the couples attending are not happy having the singles around either and they tend to shun singles when singles are present. Even in the most welcoming congregation, singles love to meet other singles. Having special programs for singles should also be a part of a synagogue's planning.

It would be a wise idea not to just have one program for all singles. Singles need to be organized by age. Young singles do not mix well with older singles. Single parents likely have different needs than the never married. Seniors who are single may be looking for someone younger, but that does not mean that someone younger is looking to socialize with someone over 70. As singles get older, they have a tendency to “fudge” their age a bit. If you are trying to separate the singles programs by age, it may be necessary to adjust the ages to allow for those who may “inaccurately” report their age.

It is important to understand that programming for singles should not be all socials and “mixers”. In fact, these are the hardest programs to create since the young single community is very fluid and it is very possible that the program will not attract the same people twice as they pair off and move on to other concerns. Like all other demographic groups, singles have available to them a wide range of social activities that the secular community provides; there are downtown hot spots, internet games and social networks that can keep singles busy all day and all night. Singles, on the other hand, have similar needs as couples do, to create meaning and direction in their lives. It is a far more successful plan for a synagogue to create social action projects and political action projects that are open to all members of the community and invite singles to be a part of that program.

Young singles, however, are not the only neglected demographic. I have a friend who became the president of his congregation. Sometime after he left that position, he became divorced. For the entire time he was divorced, his congregation had little contact with him. It was as if he had disappeared. Eventually he remarried and soon after that, he was asked to become a part of the synagogue board again. This is not how a congregation makes singles feel welcome.

We see this kind of thinking all across the Jewish community. If we want a service to be family friendly, but don't start babysitting until an hour into the service, then we have effectively said to that family “you are not welcome in our service until an hour after it starts”. If we have a population we want to reach that doesn't have English as their primary language, then why not have a reading or two, or create a siddur with instructions in their primary language (Spanish, Russian, etc.) or have an auxiliary service that is conducted entirely in that language? What about Jews with disabilities? Is the building and the sanctuary handicapped accessible? How about hearing assistance for those who are partially deaf, or large print Siddurim for those who are visually impaired, or having one service a month professionally signed for the deaf?

Is there a Jewish gay and lesbian population in the area? Think about how to make these Jews feel welcome. In a congregation where couples receive Torah honors, is a gay couple given an honor? Are gay families offered the “family” dues? A congregation should announce gay commitment ceremonies (where both partners are Jewish) in the synagogue bulletin. What about programming for families who have intermarried? Are the non-ritual programs made so that the non-Jewish partner feels welcome? Often a congregation is so set on what parts of the service a non-Jew must be excluded from, that we forget to consider the parts of the service where a non-Jew can be included. How are non-Jews welcomed into services? What role in the service can they participate in when there are family celebrations? Many congregations struggle to find ways to be inclusive of intermarried families but we still have a long way to go. Jews who convert to Judaism are not “converts” but “Jews.” We need to remember, however, that these Jews by Choice may not have the same Jewish family memories that other Jews may have. We have to be sensitive in our programming to be as inclusive as we can. No Jew should be left behind.